Better Late Than Never?

That is a bunch of BULL$#*T!!! 

Guess who showed up exactly two weeks after my IUI?  Good ol' Aunt Flow?  Not only was the bitch four days late, she waited 'til I busted open the 12 dollar pregnancy test and peed on the stick.  As if the evidence on the toilet paper wasn't enough, the obnoxious, "NOT PREGNANT" appear minutes after.

Talk about deflated!  I'm trying not to let this get me too down, but it's hard when you've begun to invest emotionally in something.  I even let myself look at baby clothes and books yesterday.  "Sssssssssssssss,"  that's the sound of more air being knocked out of my sails.  I was starting to exhibit symptoms, I was late, I felt like hell.  "Ssssssss," more air coming out; pretty soon I'm going to look like someone's overloved blow up doll.  Somebody please toss me the bike up, so I can blow a bitch back up!


So many questions floating around in my mind:  "What am I doing wrong?"  "Am I too fat?"  "Should I be eating different foods?" "What can I do different next time?"  "Will there be a next time?"  "Am I meant to be a parent?" 

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT UPPPPPP!!!!!"

Okay Debbie Downer, you and Aunt Flow can enjoy your moment (or day) in the sun, cuz tomorrow I'm gonna dust myself off and get back on track.  When we started this process we said we'd try three times; it's only been two.  And you know what they say?  "Third times a charm!"  And you know what I say, "Better be muthaf@#$er!"

I'm Late! I'm Late! For a Very Important Date!

Don't Jinx It!!! 

So part of me is afraid that by writing this entry I'm going to summon my Aunt Flow (AF), but I said I would chronicle this little journey so I'm going to try to type as quitely as  possible so I don't wake the beast.

All my life, I've been pretty darn punctual when it comes to "that time of the month."  In fact, it's probably one of the few things I'm ALWAYS on time for.  However, this month is a different story.  AF was due to arrive on 7/16, and so far she's a no show.  Normally when someone doesn't show up on time, you send out a search party; this is one guest I don't want to arrive.  In fact, I paid quite a bit of money to swap her monthly visits with a baby bump for nine months.

So the waiting game continues, but for now, "I'm late!  I'm late!  For a very important date!"

When at first you don't suceed...

An unwelcome visitor arrived on June 20...

I can't remember a time in the past 26 years that I was ever so disappointed to get my period.  It had only been 13 days since my first IUI.  We were so hopeful, and I was convinced that I was pregnant.  The emotional let down packed a helluva punch; I was at work when nature's gift arrived. 

After the tears, anger, disappointment and feelings of failure subsided, I called the clinic and geared up for round two.  It was hard to mentally prepare myself for more ultra sounds, more pills, more shots and more financial hemorraging.

I felt like an old pro when I walked for round two.  First the baseline ultrasound, then the following day I began my five days of 100mg of clomid, when that was through I started my five days of estrogren.  The hope was the estrogen would thicken my lining which was not quite "as thick as (the doctor) would like it."  Then on the Fourth of July we went in for our 9 a.m. appointment with Dr. Lovely to see the results of all the pill popping.  During the follicle check they found three mature follicles, one of which she described as "beautimous", and she I had "a nice thick thriple layer" of linging.  Encouraged, we left the office and prepared for our 9:30 p.m. "trigger shot" to kick start ovulation.  The IUI was set for 9:30 a.m. Wednesday, July 6.

THE HUMAN PINCUSHION

In addition to the medication, I decided to add acupuncture to my regimen this time around to keep my stress levels down; I figured it couldn't hurt.  I found someone who specialized in fetility issues.  Prior to my second IUI, I squeezed in three appointments which included acupunture and "cupping" which left weird hickey-like marks on my back.  I did my fourth appointment, complete with the electrical stimulation a few hours after my IUI.


BRING ON THE SWIMMERS

It was finally time to let the let the swimmers out of their deep freeze and put them into the pool so they could seek out the egg.  Dr. Green did the honors this time.  The motility was encouraging, 17.5 million compared to the 8.4 million last time.  More sperm, thicker lining, it's hard not to be optimistic.  The whole proceedure takes a mater of minutes, it's the two week wait (TWW) that is the killer.

The following day, as advised, I was given my 1/2cc booster shot of the same stuff we used to kick start ovulation three days earlier.  The final shot will be tomorrow.

Now I keep looking for a sign, anything will do.  But how soon is too soon for a sign?  It's only been four days since my IUI, I'm pretty sure it's too soon to see a change in anything at this point.  The waiting game continues.

Always The Procrastinater

"TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!!"

You hear that?  It's the sound of my antique biological clock ticking.  I don't feel old, and I don't think I look old either; however, the reality is that I'm a 38-year old woman, with equally old eggs. In fact, at this point, they're so prehistoric I'm afraid a dinosaur may hatch from them if I become pregnant.

Ideally, I would've done this in my mid-twenties or early thirties; not me, I decide I want to have a baby in my late thirties.  Prior to that point in my life I'll admit, I hadn't thought much about having a mini me running around.  I'd always been so focused on my career, friends, love life or fun.

So after 26 years (I've only been PHYSICALLY able to conceive since I was 12 years old) of procrastinating, I decided to stop waiting for the stork to drop a little bundle of joy on my doorstep and give conception, the ol' college try.  Thanks to Uncle Sam and my tax return, the wife and I were able to start trying for our family in June 2011. 


HETEROS HAVE IT SO EASY!

Don't get me wrong, I realize sex every night around the time you're ovulating can be exhausting... but atleast it's FUN and FREE!  And if Aunt Flow (AF) shows up two weeks later, at least she didn't drain your bank account and your uterus at the same time. 

INSURANCE DON'T COVER SHIZZNIT!

I knew when we started this journey in May it was going to be $$$$, but I went in optimistic despite my slightly elevated FSH level.  According to the bloodwork it was 13 and they (the medical professionals) like it below 10.  They higher the number, the harder your hormones are working to signal the eggs that it's time.  My hormones are definitely not using their "inside voices" which is a lot like me, loud.  I even forked over $400 for an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) to make sure my tube were open (it's not like they've had many visitors over the years) for business. 

The fun part leading up to my first IUI (Intrauterine insemination) was selecting a donor.  After Steph and I agreed on which bank to use (California Cryobank: http://www.cryobank.com/) we began our search for Mr. Right.  It's amazing; you can choose his height, weight, eye color, hair color and texture, skin tone, etc.  It's amazing all the categories you can choose from, they even tell you who their celebrity look-alikes are.  We finally narrowed it down to 14, then 10 and then we printed all their medical histories and determined that would be the deciding factor because in the end all we really wanted was a HEALTHY baby.  Immediately the list shrank and we were left with five donors.  Among the five, only one was an "open" donor which meant he was willing to be known once the child reached 18 years of age.  That was a characteristic that was important to us, but it also increased the price by $100 and he only had IUI (washed) samples avaialble and that increased the price another $100 dollars.  Doesn't surprise me that I wanted the most expensive sperm, I've always had expensive taste. 

11438

But then I stumbled on #11438.  His online profile described him as an "Old Soul."  It went on to read, "If penmanship counted in adulthood like it did in school, Donor 11438 would be set for life. A club hockey player in college, this 5'11", hazel-eyed Criminal Justice major also enjoys playing electric guitar, snowboarding, and drawing. Outgoing with a great smile, he enjoys leadership roles and is an active member of the US Marine Corps. Upon completing his four years of duty, he looks forward to a career as a federal agent. Extremely close to his family, he decided to become an anonymous donor after learning about the infertility issues experienced by his aunt and uncle." 

At 5'11", he was a little shorter than I originally wanted (I said my cutoff was 6'0" since I'm a mere 5'3" and I want to give the kid a chance) but he has hazel eyes, black hair and his celebrity look likes are Channing Tatum, Matthew Fox and Scott Foley.  YUM!  And, even though he was anonymous, the price was right since he had ICI vials available (of which I purchased two).  The reason I opted for the less expensive ICI (unwashed) sample was the lab at California IVF (where I was having the proceedure done) would be washing it anyway before the proceedure so I figured why pay to have it done twice. 

With my order placed on May 31, the frozen swimmers made their way north to Davis, Calif. where they would await the arrival of their new home on June 7, my ovulating uterus.