PIcking Up the Pieces

If this were a baseball game, I'd be out.  If these are crimes committed, I'd be off to prison for life.  But this third failure was an IUI.  So after I caught my breath following Aunt Flow's third devastating blow to my gut (or really my uterus), I had to my some tough decisions. 

It's not that I'm making these decisions on my own, I have a very supportive, yet practical wife.  We're different in a sense that she knows the mone tree has gone bar and that it's time to stop (for now) and I don't give a shit and will charge it or take out a loan.  This is why I'm in debt and she's not.  I've never let a little thing like money stand in my way of life.  Yes it sucks paying the credit card bills every month, but I've been places and done things so it's the price I (continue to) pay.

But I digress... I believe Steph and I came to a compromise.  We have one more vial of our donor at the RE's.  We're going to take a month off for financial, physical and mental reasons I definitely need this break, and then try one last time at this place.  If for some horrible reason this doesn't work, I will be switching my insurance during October's Open Enrollment Period to (I can't believe I'm saying this) Kaiser to continue trying in January when the new insurance kicks in.  It's A LOT less expensive.  I've had a handful of friends use their fertility services and be sucessful and I hear having a baby with them was a wonderful experience as well.  I"m hoping the switch won't be necessary, but it's my "Plan B." 

When we started I didn't expect it to take this many times.  But with each failure I began asking friends how many times it took them.  A year and half, 13 tries, 17 tries and two one timers.  UGH with my age, the deck was stacked against me and I finally accepted that.  Because paying for this stuff out of pocket is NOT helping with the stress and I truly want us to have a family.  So when insurance starts picking up part of the cost, I will be much less stressed.   

I know my wife will make an amaing parent, and my instinct tells me I will be one too.  It's a shame I waited so late in life to figure all this out.  So I'm hoping this time off will be just what this ol' uterus needed.

The Suspense is Killing Me

The only BFP (lol sorry couldn't resist the accronyms I've been consumed by lately, BFP= Big Fat Postive) about not knowing whether or not I'm pregnant... at least I still have hope.  I am 12 days post IUI, and according to My Days (the app on my Droid I track my period with), I am 12 days late.  Before we crack open the bottle of champagne and celebrate, last month I was four days late when Aunt Flow finally decided to rear her ugly head.  And with my symptons, I'd swear she's gonna show up any day now.  GRRR

Lately, I've been crampy, tired, moody as hell (just ask my wife), sore boobs, sensitive nipples and nauseas the last couple of days (around the afternoon).  Part me says PMS.  Part of me says it's all the days meds I had to take to try and get pregnant.  But a tiny part of me, that is deeply afraid of disappointment, wants to believe I'm pregnant.  The main reason I"m even letting myself entertain the possibility is because of the nausea. 

It sucks, everytime I go potty, I dread droppin my drawers and seeing AF.  Last time I was four days late; peed on the stick the mornning I woke up, which was 14 DPIUI, and went to wipe myself dry and there she was... Aunt Freaking Flow.  It was is she was laughing at me. 

I've already prepared myself for failure considering how many times it took my other friends who were close to my age when they tried to get pregnant.  I have this fear my eggs are so old and can't be penetrated.  What if they're bad?  There's no way to know unless they do some expensive egg retrieval for IVF and then discover there's an issue.  I'm even to the point where I am afraid to pee on the stick  because I don't want to see that "Not Pregnant" again. 

Grrrr  come on mother nature, cut this girl a break and let me conceive!!

Emotional and Needy

Dear God... please just let my emotional needy state of mind tonight be that sign I have been looking for!  I'm sitting here texting my wife, whom I'm missing like crazy tonight.  She just left a little more than an hour ago to go to some sleep clinic to be tested for sleep apnea.  Meanwhile, I'm online looking at all kinds of fertility websites and the cryobank bulletin board looking for information, exactly what information I'm not sure.  I guess I just want to reassure myself that the fact that I'm not noticing any symptoms of pregnacy is normal and not a sign of another friggin' failed cycle.  Before Steph left, I snuck a little stuffed pug (beanie baby) into her overnight bag; I didn't want her to be lonely.  She found it.  I told her it was "peanut" (that was our puggy Harley's nickname who died last September) and she was there to watch over her.  Her next text was... "Awwwww I love u."  BAM, instant tears in my eyes.  I'm sure feeling emotional and needy tonight.  I guess I'll go curl up with our two furbabies, Roxy and Sassy in our King-size bed and watch a bunch of crappy TV 'til I fall asleep.  This is a treat for me and the girls, since Steph doesn't like the dogs in the bed LOL....and the crappy TV is my kinda television.  Thank goodness it's only one night.

I Need a Damn Sign, PLEASE!!!!

 Signs, signs, everywhere (not really) there's signs.... I'm just not seeing them.

Maybe I should really be more specific; I really want a sign that says you’re pregnant!!!!  I have never been so aware or in tune with my body as I have been these last three months of trying to conceive (TTC).  Where are my sore boobs?  Although, they did look quite big in a photo I took over the weekend.  Hmmm, maybe they’re swelling from the progesterone and hCG that started flooding my body after the egg was fertilized?  Not that I know what day post IUI that even occurs; what kind of woman am I?

Cramps?  I guess I feel a little crampy.  But am I crampy because I’m about to start my damn period or because the fertilized egg is attaching to my uterine wall and my uterus is stretching?  If so, where would those cramps be occurring?  Anyone?  Anyone?

Spotting?  No light bleeding, but not sure this happens to everyone.  In fact, none of my friends experienced this (or at least would admit to experiencing it).   Apparently, this only happens to as many as 25 percent of women during implantation.  At least there’s no way for me to confuse AF with light implantation bleeding;  AF ain’t playing when she comes to my hood.  Break out the Supers (TMI).

Fatigue?  Hell I am ALWAYS tired, especially since I cut out caffeine back in January.  Nothing new here.  I just chalk it up to being old.

Nipple Darkening?  How dark we talking?  Let me check.  ::lifts up shirt::  Don’t think so, but I don’t remember how pink they were pre IUI.  Next……..

Nausea?  From what I read, full-blown morning sickness affects 85 percent of pregos.  However, it’s not likely to strike for a few more weeks.  I did get queasy in the car Monday on our way home from our anniversary trip to Lake Tahoe but I was reading directions on my cell phone while I was riding in the car on winding roads.

Bloating?  While I’d like to blame feeling chunky on pregnancy, that seems more like an excuse for snug jeans.  Part of it is that I’m not working out like I was before going through these proceedures.

Peeing more often?  I usually chalk those couple of trips during the night up to old age and water before bed.  And I don’t think I’m going any more than I was before during the day.

Cravings?  Hmmmm sounds like another excuse but definitely have had “cravings” lately.

Headaches?  Definitely had some mild tension headaches over the last couple of days, but nothing that would drive me to a bottle of Tylenol.

Constipation?  We’re about to venture into TMIville again but I’m not all that regular.  I just figured it was from the meds, in fact, prior to my IUI I was drinking two glasses of Metamucil to help “get the party started.”  Lately it seems like it’s not uncommon for me to not to “drop the kids off at the pool” only a few times a week.  I can go days without without having a “movement.”

Mood Swings?  Apparently the increase of hCG hormones and fatigue can make a girl prone to moodiness.  Plus the combo of headaches, bloating, constipation and breast pain doesn’t help either.  I don’t think I moody but I’d like to think I never am cuz I’m a well-balanced Libra.

Basal Body Temperature (BBT)?  Note to self:  check your BBT and see if it’s staying elevated.  But between you mean and the handful of other followers, I don’t feel feverish.  I’ll check tomorrow.

All I know is that I hope Aunt Flow (AF) is missing in action next week; that beyatch is scheduled to arrive on August 15 but last month she teased me by showing up four days late.  I wish she’d take a hike for the next nine months so I can have a baby.  I’ve spent so damn much on sperm and IUIs I won’t be able to afford tampons (joking…. sort of). LOL

The Morning After

Well the dreaded two week wait has begun. 

The hardest part is trying to not think about it.  Last night my cramps were the worst they've been following a proceedure.  And this morning, I woke up nauseas (which I know it's too soon for morning sickness).  I am hoping going away this weekend for our third wedding anniversary will help me keep my mind off of the TWW (good luck with that).  My goal is to focus on fun and throw caution to the wind (to some degree).  The hardest part will be faking drinking when we're out with friends, lol.  Sounds silly but we're not telling people (except a handful that already know for one reason or another) and everyone will be drinking tonight at the bar and Saturday night for my friend's 40th birthday.  Tonight I can get away with the excuse, "I'm the designated driver."  But tomorrow on the lake and then back at the house I will have to pour faux drinks for me.  What's funny is, I'm not even sure why I would need to avoid alcohol, how may people are drunk when they get "knocked up?"  My main reason for staying sober is I'm old (38), in terms of baby-making years, and I spent a truckload of money trying to get knocked up.... so I do NOT want to do anything that might negate that goal.  Capiche?

Third Time Will Be The Charm

Ready to Go!!!!

Last night I peed on the OPK stick and got a smiley face, which means it had detected my LH surge and ovulation is close to occuring.  Excellent, because my IUI was scheduled for 10 o'clock this morning, just 36 hours and 15 minutes after my trigger shot.  The night felt like it lasted forever, but finally it was time to head to California IVF to see Dr. Z. 

Anxious, I got there a little early but had to wait for a bit.  By 10:15 I was in the room with my pants off climbing up onto the table and waiting paitiently for the Dr., nurse and intern to come in so we could get the party started.    It was weird, this was my third IUI and the third doctor at the clinic to do this proceedure on me.  Oh well, I'm hoping this one has the magic touch.  When my regular doctor, Dr. Lovely, told me she wasn't available to do it today, I told her, "just give me the doctor who is the best shot."  Dr. Z it is.

He's very thorough, which I appreciate.  He told me the sperm had a pre-wash motility of 22 million and post wash it was 17.3 million.  Apparently, that's pretty good.  Let's hope this 22/23 year old's sperm is agressive and seeks out those two eggs on my right side and fertilizes the heck out of them. 

With my legs in the stirrups, and my butt slid to the edge of the table, Dr. Z got down to business.  Once the speculum was locked in place, he attempted to insert the catheter into the uterus.  Apparently, mine was titlted making it difficult with the stiff catheter; so he switched to the softer catheter.  Still struggling to place the tip of it where it needed to be, cuz my darn tilted uterus, he decided it was time to use the abodimal ultrasound and see exactly how tilted that sucker was.  At this point I'm getting nervous thinking maybe I can't get pregnant cuz it's tilted. 

EUREKA!!!

After what seemed like forever, they located it on the screen and he got the catheter exactly where it needed to be.  The cool part is, since he had it up on the screen so he could see where he was going in that titled maze, I was able to see the swimmers exit the catheter and had off on there journey.  I almost wished I could watch and point them in the right direction so they could hook up with the egg.  Finally, it was done.  I dressed and headed out, reminding the girl to make sure I get an itemized receipt for tax purposes (I overheard another woman asking for one earlier).

So now I'm home relaxing, gonna do the things I love and make me happy today.  At 1 p.m. I'm going to Foot to get a massage.  When I get home, I will make cake balls.  The rest of the day will be spent on my back watching TV with the dogs while we wait on my beautiful wife to come home.  Life is good!

Twas the Night before IUI Poem

Okay, so it's not the story your parents read to you growing up, it's my twisted pre-IUI poem. 

Twas the night before IUI, when all through my blouse
My heart was racing, much like a mouse.
At 10 a.m. my legs will be hung in the stirrups with care,
In preparation for the swimmers that will be put in there.

The furbabbies were nestled all snug in their dog beds,
While visions of dog bones danced in their heads.
Other mama in her jammies, and I in my cap
Had just settled our brains for a brief night nap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Oh nevermind, it's just the dogs going pitter patter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the blinds and started talking trash,
"Stop barking a the siren and get your ass inside,
I've got to get up in a few hours," my tired ass cried.

Here we go again

I'll admit, I've wanted to blog but haven't had much to say as I'm heading into round three.  This afternoon I go into California IVF for my follicle check.  Hopefully, thanks to the meds, the follicles and the lining will be to Dr. Lovely's liking.  If all goes well, I will be getting the "trigger shot" tonight to kick start ovulation and on Thursday go in for my third, and hopefully FINAL IUI.  I say final not because I'm giving up, even though we said we'd only try three times, but because financially and emotionally I'm drained.  Insurance, as you know, isn't covering any of this and my damn money tree never sprouted in the backyard.

I will admit, I'm a little excited as we've switched donors and this new one is (one paper) perfect, but I got a chance to see his baby pictures.  The donor is described as 6'4", dark brown hair and green eyes.  He's Italian and Greek. CCB says he resembles the following celebrities:  Been Affleck, Carmine Gotti and Paul Adelstein.  He's also an open donor, which means at 18 the child will have an opportunity to have some form of contact if they wish.  #11798 is also young (early 20's) and hopefully that means some healthy active sperm .  Wait... does that make me a cougar?