IUI Numero 4

And they're off!

As of 12:20 p.m., 11798's swimmers were on their way to my giant follicle filled with an egg for them to fertilize.  This was my fourth IUI, so sadly, I feel like an old pro.  It was a different doctor this time.  An older man, with a funny accent.  Clearly I'm not the only one who had trouble understanding him, the nurse had to ask him three times to repeat what he had asked her for.  This was also by far the most painful of the four IUIs.  I was hoping that by leaving my bladder slightly full it would help with the 'tilted uterus issue' the doctor mentioned last time.  That damn speculumn pinches the crap outta my lady parts (that's just fun to say) and this time there was actually some spotting afterward.  OWWWW.  After it was all done, I stopped at the store picked up a few of the foods I read about people eating after the proceedure that supposedly helped in them getting pregnant (figured it couldn't hurt) and then came home put my legs up and indulged in some pineapple and walnuts (protein).  For dinner, we're having chicken (more protein) and I will drink 100% grape juice. 

I even went so far as to put my legs in the air for awhile.  Yep, that's me above with my pug socks on, lying flat on my back with me legs up to the ceiling.  Hey whatever works.  It only takes one and I will do everything in my power to make sure that lil' guy or gal makes it to the right place.

Fertile Friday

Well Friday I had my follicle check with Dr. Lovely.  My appointment was at 11 a.m., but for some reason they were running WAY behind.  I say way because I didn't get into an exam room until 11:55 a.m.  But I wasn't the only one who was waiting; the waiting room was more packed than I had ever seen it before.  In fact there weren't enough seats, people were standing outside. 

Apparently it was a "Fertile Friday" at California IVF. 

During my nearly hour-long wait, at least two couples learned they were "with child."  I am hoping their baby dust will rub off on me since I was seated in between the two fertile women.

The first couple were these two adorable gay men who were there with their surrogate.  It was so cute, they called her back for her blood draw (I assume it was blood because one of the guys asked her if she had to fast beforehand) and they wanted to know if they could go with her.  So the three of them proceeded back into the exam area and ten minutes later everyone on the otherside of the door broke out into applause and congratulatory expressions.  I could see through the glass window one of the proud smiling papas, holding a picture of his lil' "bean" from the ultrasound.  Then they emerged with a little baby gift bag. 

Fifteen minutes later, the second couple, a young man and woman received their blessed news... they too had a baby on the way.  Again, applause all around and hugs.  Minutes later the smiling couple emerged and went on their way.

This has to be lucky right?  Never, in the four cycles I've been going there (each cycle consisting of at least three visits), has this congrautulatory ritual taken place.  I hope I was able to inhale and consume of of that baby dust, juju or whatever you want to call it during my long wait before being called back to examine my follices.

Anyway, when I finally get back there, Dr. Lovely eventually comes in.  We exchange pleasantries and get down to the exam.  Much to my disappointment, and I'm sure hers too, there was only one follicle on right.  What the heck?  In her words, "you've had a better response to the Clomid."  It's bizarre, the dosage hadn't changed. 

So I've decided I am going to be optimitic about only having one follicle.  It was a nice, big follicle.  And even though there is only one, I was an only child... I got LOTS of attention growing up.  So I'm hoping this one little follicle gets a lot of attention from the swimmers tomorrow morning when I go in for my IUI.  This follicle is "supercharged" in the words of Dr. Lovely. 

Last night, I did my part.  I had my hcG injection at 11:30 p.m. in anticipation of my Monday morning 11:30 IUI.  So sperm, I need you to do your thing... GO RIGHT, ATTACK the EGG and MAKE MAMA PROUD!!!! 

Steph and I are ready to be parents!

Please, please, please... let this be our time.

When after first you don't succeed, try, try, try and try again.  This is apparently my motto when it comes to makin' babies.  The wife and I decided to try one last round at California IVF since we have one more vial there and IF, for some awful reason, it doesn't take then we switch over to Kaiser during open enrollment and try there.

When I went in to see the doctor last Thursday, I asked her what can I do different?  Is there something I can eat, take, do????  I've been getting a good response from the Clomid, my lining has been perfect since I started the estrogen... so it must be my damn eggs.  I told her what is the next step, aggressive-wise?  She said injectibles, which are two grand a cycle, but since my FSH was high (13) that wasn't an option.  Shit, I rule it out as an option as soon as I heard the price.

So here I am, four days into my Clomid pills and one more day left.  Then on Tuesday I begin five days of estrogen.  And then a follicle check on Friday.  My guess is the IUI will be either Monday or Sunday depending on when I have to give myself the shot of hcG.

Please, please, please... let this be our time. 

Time Out

Well I put myself on a little time out this month.  I decided when Aunt Flo showed up on August 17, I would take at least a month off from trying.  I wanted to give my body and my wallet a rest.  As that evil time of the month draws near (I'm less than two weeks out), I wonder if it's time to get back into the game.  We've already agreed tht we would try California IVF one more time since I have one vial of ICI left there, and will switch insurance in October to Kaiser if it doesn't take (which I hope it does) and then try with them after the first of the year.  However, when I switch to Kaiser, I have to start buying IUI vials and not ICI; this equates to about $100 more per specimen.  However, they cover 50% of the treatments and appear to be more reasonably priced.  It's too bad, because I reallyl like the place I've been going to, but I'm not made of money.  So until I restart my journey, I'm taking a little time out.

PIcking Up the Pieces

If this were a baseball game, I'd be out.  If these are crimes committed, I'd be off to prison for life.  But this third failure was an IUI.  So after I caught my breath following Aunt Flow's third devastating blow to my gut (or really my uterus), I had to my some tough decisions. 

It's not that I'm making these decisions on my own, I have a very supportive, yet practical wife.  We're different in a sense that she knows the mone tree has gone bar and that it's time to stop (for now) and I don't give a shit and will charge it or take out a loan.  This is why I'm in debt and she's not.  I've never let a little thing like money stand in my way of life.  Yes it sucks paying the credit card bills every month, but I've been places and done things so it's the price I (continue to) pay.

But I digress... I believe Steph and I came to a compromise.  We have one more vial of our donor at the RE's.  We're going to take a month off for financial, physical and mental reasons I definitely need this break, and then try one last time at this place.  If for some horrible reason this doesn't work, I will be switching my insurance during October's Open Enrollment Period to (I can't believe I'm saying this) Kaiser to continue trying in January when the new insurance kicks in.  It's A LOT less expensive.  I've had a handful of friends use their fertility services and be sucessful and I hear having a baby with them was a wonderful experience as well.  I"m hoping the switch won't be necessary, but it's my "Plan B." 

When we started I didn't expect it to take this many times.  But with each failure I began asking friends how many times it took them.  A year and half, 13 tries, 17 tries and two one timers.  UGH with my age, the deck was stacked against me and I finally accepted that.  Because paying for this stuff out of pocket is NOT helping with the stress and I truly want us to have a family.  So when insurance starts picking up part of the cost, I will be much less stressed.   

I know my wife will make an amaing parent, and my instinct tells me I will be one too.  It's a shame I waited so late in life to figure all this out.  So I'm hoping this time off will be just what this ol' uterus needed.

The Suspense is Killing Me

The only BFP (lol sorry couldn't resist the accronyms I've been consumed by lately, BFP= Big Fat Postive) about not knowing whether or not I'm pregnant... at least I still have hope.  I am 12 days post IUI, and according to My Days (the app on my Droid I track my period with), I am 12 days late.  Before we crack open the bottle of champagne and celebrate, last month I was four days late when Aunt Flow finally decided to rear her ugly head.  And with my symptons, I'd swear she's gonna show up any day now.  GRRR

Lately, I've been crampy, tired, moody as hell (just ask my wife), sore boobs, sensitive nipples and nauseas the last couple of days (around the afternoon).  Part me says PMS.  Part of me says it's all the days meds I had to take to try and get pregnant.  But a tiny part of me, that is deeply afraid of disappointment, wants to believe I'm pregnant.  The main reason I"m even letting myself entertain the possibility is because of the nausea. 

It sucks, everytime I go potty, I dread droppin my drawers and seeing AF.  Last time I was four days late; peed on the stick the mornning I woke up, which was 14 DPIUI, and went to wipe myself dry and there she was... Aunt Freaking Flow.  It was is she was laughing at me. 

I've already prepared myself for failure considering how many times it took my other friends who were close to my age when they tried to get pregnant.  I have this fear my eggs are so old and can't be penetrated.  What if they're bad?  There's no way to know unless they do some expensive egg retrieval for IVF and then discover there's an issue.  I'm even to the point where I am afraid to pee on the stick  because I don't want to see that "Not Pregnant" again. 

Grrrr  come on mother nature, cut this girl a break and let me conceive!!

Emotional and Needy

Dear God... please just let my emotional needy state of mind tonight be that sign I have been looking for!  I'm sitting here texting my wife, whom I'm missing like crazy tonight.  She just left a little more than an hour ago to go to some sleep clinic to be tested for sleep apnea.  Meanwhile, I'm online looking at all kinds of fertility websites and the cryobank bulletin board looking for information, exactly what information I'm not sure.  I guess I just want to reassure myself that the fact that I'm not noticing any symptoms of pregnacy is normal and not a sign of another friggin' failed cycle.  Before Steph left, I snuck a little stuffed pug (beanie baby) into her overnight bag; I didn't want her to be lonely.  She found it.  I told her it was "peanut" (that was our puggy Harley's nickname who died last September) and she was there to watch over her.  Her next text was... "Awwwww I love u."  BAM, instant tears in my eyes.  I'm sure feeling emotional and needy tonight.  I guess I'll go curl up with our two furbabies, Roxy and Sassy in our King-size bed and watch a bunch of crappy TV 'til I fall asleep.  This is a treat for me and the girls, since Steph doesn't like the dogs in the bed LOL....and the crappy TV is my kinda television.  Thank goodness it's only one night.